*deep breath*
Hi, I'm Bee (or Amy if you know me from work for from my youth) and I have trauma-based memory issues.
So--hi again. (That is a joke, see?)
In
my mid-twenties I sustained a rather serious head trauma which neither
my doctors nor I realized was terribly serious right at the time. We
were pretty wrong about that, as it turns out.
I have some kind of serious memory problems, as you may have noticed, or maybe not.
There
are two basic ways I have issues with memory--one is likely more
apparent to most people, my inability to process linear time, and the
second my random (though not consistent and not constant) short term
memory processing issues.
The time sense issue is
pretty straight forward--I just have no concept of the passage of time.
If you ask me how long ago something happened, I honestly have zero idea. Could have been last week, could have been 8 years ago
it is the same to me. How long was I married? 5 years? 13? I
truthfully do not know. And no immediate sense of the passage of time. How long have I been in line at Target? 3 minutes? an hour? I cannot tell the difference. Now--lest you think I am a complete flake--I
have pretty well developed ways of keeping track of these kinds of
things externally so I can say, fill out a resume or an application for
somewhere to live. In those cases I have my (rather large) database of
such things. It is basically the catalogue of my life--jobs, homes,
relationships, friendships, car maintenance--anything which could
possibly have a date attached to it is listed. If it weren't I would
have absolutely no idea where to begin. The only things I can remember
with a fair deal of precision are things which occurred before the head
injury--so prior to 1994.
I know this
sounds weird, and I can imagine it is kind of hard to understand what it
feels like. The best way I can explain it is this. You know that
feeling when you hear a song and you just can't quite remember who sings
it? You KNOW you have this information, you KNOW you have heard the
name but it is tantalizingly out of reach. The harder you think, the
blanker your mind gets about that issue. That is me basically any time
something involving a date or time is involved. How old are my
nephews? When did my mother die? How long have I lived in this house?
When is anyone's birthday? No clue. None whatsoever.
This
particular issue is the reason I am writing this now. This year will
be my 30-year high school reunion. At this event there will be people I
haven't seen in--wait, I know this one!--30 years. They will of course
be asking the kinds of questions one asks long-lost acquaintances. And
I won't have the answers. I hate this, more than the other annoying
parts about the memory issues, I hate that feeling. The feeling that I
am a poor historian of my own life. And I unfortunately know this to be
true as well--it seems like I'm a horrible (and bad) liar. If you ask
me twice in rapid succession a time-related question, you'll probably
get two different answers. And both times I'll be making my very best
guess.
There are so many people in my
life--important people to me--that don't know about this, I've never
told them. Why? Well--it is embarrassing, and people look at you very
differently. Also, they talk louder, which I find weird. I can hear
you just fine...just don't ask me what you said right away after if I'm
stressed.
Which leads to the other annoying
thing--the random short term memory processing issues. These aren't
constant nor consistent. They are worse when I'm stressed out or overly
excitable. I have trouble with basic spatial memory most of the
time. I have to leave my keys, phone, glasses in the EXACT same place
every single time or they are lost to me forever. Truly, if I go to
look for my keys and they aren't in the right place, for all I know I
chucked them in the sewer. I have no idea. If we have a conversation
(particularly an intense or emotional one) and you ask me about it 2
hours later, my memory of it will be vague at best. Give me 24 hours
and it will be better.
This is why I'm good at
lists--and given my job I have to be. A huge part of my job relies
heavily on short-term memory--and when I am stressed, mine goes out the
window. Again, I have a very well-developed series of coping
mechanisms that you probably never noticed. All those selfies I take?
Sometimes they aren't just because I'm so cute, sometimes they are to
help me remember what day I was at which event and who was there. If
you scrolled through my phone you'd see lots and lots of photos of my
car. Now--I love Ruby, she has been a great car to me, but those aren't
because I love her so. They are there to help me remember where I
parked. If it isn't at my house or assigned parking at work, I can't
remember where on earth I left her. Believe me, if you are riding with
me I am COUNTING on you to remember because I know that I absolutely
will not. Ditto my horrible sense of direction. If I haven't gone
somewhere enough times for it to become basic muscle memory, there is a
good chance I can't remember how to get there. It is why I SUCKED at
tanking in WoW, and sometimes sucked at healing. Sure I may have run
this instance 50 times, but in some sense it is Groundhog Day for me,
every time.
So hey, classmates. If you are reading
this know that I might seem a little weird (okay, weirder than you even
remember, which is saying something I know), and a little sketchy about
details in my life, but I am genuinely glad to see you and excited to
learn about what has been going on in your life.
Everyone
else, I hope this explains maybe a few of my oddities--I mean, it
doesn't explain my hatred of Nickelback, but does that need
explaining? And I hope that it might start some conversations about
memory issues and how they can affect us all--even we younger-ish-kinda
and normal-ish seeming folks. We are all aging, and some of our parents
are having memory issues--but talking about them is the right thing to
do. Believe me.
Peace to you, Bee.
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